By Brian J. Karem

My wife and I were driving to work this morning, anxious to get our early morning liquid caffeine upload when - all of a sudden - someone who was parked on the street in Town Center opened up their driver's side door right in front of our moving big behemoth of a Ford Expedition.

Luckily we avoided a collision, and we drove on to purchase our favorite general cellular stimulant in liquid form.

"Stupid woman," my wife said.

"Hey!" I said. "If I had said that, then you would have called me a sexist."

She would've too, and she admitted it. "I can say that though because I'm (long pause, drum roll please) a woman," she exclaimed.

I vociferously disagreed - well not about my wife being a woman - but about her right to argue the point. Didn't do me much good, but hey I tried.

"Well, it's how you say it," my wife explained - further muddying the waters.

According to her, if I place the emphasis on the first word "stupid" it means something different than if I placed the emphasis on the second word "woman."

For the record, I'm not sure she placed the emphasis on either word and I said merely recognizing that the offending idiot who didn't bother to look before opening her car door was a woman in no way is an actual indication of being a sexist.

I just thought it was funny that my wife thinks she can say the exact same thing that was going through my mind and she can get away with it while I cannot.

Logically, I feel like the old robot in "Lost in Space."

No. No. I'm not thinking "Run Will Robinson. Run." I'm thinking more of "That does not compute."

I rant often about the lack of logic in this world - and I guess my wife has grown tired of listening to my musings about, as Webster's defines it, "The science of the formal principles of reasoning."

But I can't let this stuff go.

It isn't all right for my wife to make the very same statement I would have made and be covered by "I'm a woman so it's okay," any more than it's okay for a black person to call someone the "N" word and get away with it while if a white person were to say the same thing, they would be branded a racist at the least. It doesn't matter to me if the "N" word used by a black person ends in an "a" or an "ah" as opposed to "er." That is illogical too.

If we are all the same - as our wonderful constitution, the Good Lord, and every minority activist tells us, then we should all be treated the same way.

Of course, that argues against Affirmative Action, the Red Flag in the NFL and most major boxing matches. Meanwhile it defends women in the locker room, female NASCAR drivers and equal rights (including marital rights) for all.

Of course, lest we forget, there are very few things logical about human beings.

We're not Vulcans.

We are ruled by emotions, a distinct lack of reason - and knee-jerk reactions to every stimuli. We're Pavlov's dog run amuck.

How else to explain Wall Street. It's up. It's down. It's the highest high. It's the lowest low - and all before noon on Monday.

It's happy Barack Obama was elected. It's scared Barack Obama was elected. It's happy about the war. It's upset about the war.

If Wall Street were in fact a single human being, it would be put on Prozac, wrapped in a little white jacket and shoved in the criminally insane ward of the local mental hospital.

There just isn't any logic.

"We're headed for a Depression! We have to bail out the banks! We have to bail out the car manufacturers!" Holy Hannah. What a mess.

Logically, perhaps the banks should be less greedy, quit making questionable marginal loans and inventing investment schemes that make mob bosses blush.

As for the automobile manufacturers - what a load of rubbish. Bail them out? How about they build cars we want. For example, logically, I want a car that will last for 10 years, but I can also take back every two or three years for upgrades - like a computer.

The first person to get one will be that woman who opened her car door in Town Center.

Any more acts like that and she's going to need a driver's side-door upgrade real quick.

There's logic to that.