Published on: Tuesday, April 27, 2010

By Brian J. Karem

I confess I have a vice, but it’s not of a conventional nature. I am addicted to a good aphorism as sure as a junkie needs the needle.

So, I’ve collected these little sayings I’ve written and now offer several years worth, free of charge and with no strings attached:

1. Only an idiot doesn't believe in God. Only a fool believes in religion

2. Never pass on an opportunity to help a child.

3. Because you see them on television doesn't make them a celebrity.

4. Because they are a celebrity doesn't mean they're worth knowing.

5. Calling all men brothers means nothing - have you ever seen brothers fight?

6. Complain all you want about technology, but try to toast your bread without it.

7. What need have we of Hell when we have Washington D.C.?

8. Never get in a battle of wits with someone who comes to the battle half-armed.

9. No government on earth ever turned down money, power or the ability to get the best women.

10. Forgive and forget makes a lot of sense. But if you've been forgiven, then never forget it.

11. Treat neighbors like you treat your mother-in-law. Always be friendly, even if they are not.

12. The heart may want what the heart wants, but sometimes a little bicarbonate of soda can cure that problem.

13. Everyone needs to be beaten into submission on occasion.

14.  The problem with selling baloney comes when it begins tasting better than the truth.

15.  If you don't think it's funny, you might be the joke.

16. If you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will.

17. The difference between seeing and believing is the difference between tasting and swallowing.

18. Nobody ever went to their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at the office. (My dad said this.)

19. Say what you will about monkeys in a zoo, they don't smell half as bad as Congress.

20. The difference between a member of the House and a member of the Senate is the difference between a pickpocket and a pirate.

21. Only pea brains argue when drunk and only morons argue with drunks.

22. If you think free television sucks, at least you're getting your money's worth compared to cable.

23. The problem with political repression is that it ruins your sex life.

24. No country should have too few teachers, too many laws or a day of the week when you can't buy liquor.

25. All vices should be legal - unless I can't partake of them.

26. If you think cops are never around, then try running a couple of red lights and see what happens.

27. Say whatever you will about the police, but at least they come when they're called - placing them ahead of pets and most children and spouses.

28. The problem with most men is they suffer under the delusion that their opinion matters.

29. The problem with most women is they will give the man they love the idea that his opinion matters.

30. Those who believe a picture is worth a thousand words obviously never owned a cell phone that has its own camera.

31. The problem with the Internet is that has given every idiot on the planet the delusion that they are erudite and they haven't ceased telling us this over and over again.

32. The difference between a blogger and a writer is the difference between used toilet paper and fresh linen.

33. Those who put their faith in information retrieved solely from the Internet are either ignorant or pathetic. If ignorant, logic dictates they can be taught, but it is truly pathetic that this is rarely the case.

34. The problem with most politicians is that as a group they are made up of the same guys who always got picked last for a team sport in gym class and they're intent on making the rest of us pay for this for the remainder of our lives.

35. Bucking the IRS is a lot like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded weapon.

36. No man ever won an argument with his wife - and celebrated it with her in bed that evening.