Wednesday, May 22, 2013 1:18 AM
Published on: Thursday, September 27, 2012
By Montgomery Marty
The Big Hot and Heavy took some heat in week one after he declared his beloved Washington Redskins dead in the water. Well, look at Marty now. He is livin’ high on the hog, puttin’ the hard-earned money from his disability checks on the opponents of the Redskins.
You read it here first that the Skins O-line and secondary were abysmal. Well, they’re even worse than Marty predicted. What is gonna happen to this team in week eight, when RGIII is in traction, tryin’ to recover from a career worth of bumps and bruises, all accumulated in half a season of work?
This team is slip-slidin’ away kids. A lot of people are entertained when they lose 38-31. But this is a recipe for disaster. How are we gonna feel when the Skinny-Skin-Skins lose enough games to get a top-five draft pick and then gotta watch the St. Louis Rams draft in their spot. Oh woe are the Burgundy and Gold. Oh woe is Redskins Nation. Oh woe is Marty.
So bet the farm this week on the Tampa Bay Bucs. Raheem Morris may have the scountin’ report on his old team, but there ain’t nothin’ he can do about those sorry folks he’s coachin.’ The only thing they can cover is their eyes when they see another wideout runnin’ away from them in the open field.
On a happier note, the Big Prognosticator went 13-4 last week, bringin’ his season record to 53-18.
Holy smokes, the Big Mountain Man has no idea which game to hit this Friday, Damascus-Sherwood or QO-Seneca Valley. These two should be beauts, boys and girls, you can’t lose either way. Marty is startin’ to get the feelin’ that the Swarmin’ Hornets are a special team. They’re so good, they ain’t even havin’ to use their best player, Zach Bradshaw, much on offense. Good strategy. When the playoffs come, coach Eric Wallich can start runnin’ Ol’ Zach double-time. Too bad the Nats didn’t think of this. Instead, they got their stud on the bench in their most important games.
Quince Orchard 17
Seneca Valley 14
Here’s another classic matchup, kids. It’s QO with Terry Changuris disciple Dave Mencarini guidin’ a team with size, speed, and the best defense in Montgomery County. And it’s Seneca with Terry Changuris disciple Fred Kim guidin’ a team with size, speed, and the most serious between-the-tackles runner in Montgomery County in James Jones-Williams. When you’re talkin’ hyphenated athletes, forget Chien-Ming Wang, forget Shin-Soo Choo, forget Misty May-Treanor, and you can even forget Maurice Jones-Drew, Marty’s favorite is hard-chargin’ James Jones-Williams.
Marty is a huge fan of the offensive line of the Bulldogies. Get a load of the sizes of these guys – center Darrion Locke (6-3, 340), tackles A.J. Coleman (6-7, 210) and Sam Sloate (6-0, 180), and guards Ali Kazemipour (5-9, 260) and Alec McGee (5-9, 263). You got an NFL prototype, an NBA prototype, an MLS prototype, and two sumo wrasslers.
In the battle for braggin’ rights on lawless University Boulevard, Marty will go with the Crusaders enjoyin’ a romp, followed by random acts of hooliganism, looting, and drunk and disorderly in the streets of Silver Spring.
South Hagerstown 23
The Big Behemoth has just one thing to say: What is the deal with the football revival in the town of Hagerstown? The last time South Hagerstown (4-0) and North Hagerstown (3-1) had this many wins combined, Roosevelt was president – Teddy!
On his way to the Lu and Joe’s on Friday night, Marty stopped by Damascus to check out Einstein back Khalil Wilson. While Ol’ Khalil didn’t have a chance against the big, bold, proud front seven of the Swarmin’ Hornets, the Big Mike Man was impressed with how that big bulldozer can move a pile. Marty sees Wilson shakin’ loose for a few big ones this week against the Colonel.
In his most recent commercial with Redskins linebacker, the Geico Caveman acquires enough scrabble letters to spell “O-V-E-R-R-A-T-E-D, O-V-E-R-P-A-I-D, I-N-J-U-R-Y--P-R-O-N-E, B-U-S-T.”
Paint Branch 14
Blake’s victory last week over Paint Branch might have been the biggest upset in the history of the Consortium Cup series. The heat is on the Panthers this week. The last time they lost both games in Cup play was in 1918.
Watkins Mill 20
On “Ram Talk Live” on Monday night, coach Seth Kenton thanked the “dozens” of fans who make up “Ram Nation.”
Walter Johnson 23
WJ coach Jon Kadi describes the Wildcats offense as “multiple with spread and pro-style principles, Pistol, shotgun, and T-formation packages, with wishbone, flexbone, bootleg, veer, and heavy jumbo influences, and unbalanced, stretch, Wing-T, and trips concepts, with some dribble-drive penetration.”
Sources have told the Big Sound and Fury that Jagular quarterback Matty Callahan will debut his discount double check dance.
Richard Montgomery 27
Replacement officials have already requested “hazard pay” for this frightening matchup.
During game-film exchange, Blake coach Tony Nazzaro delivered Wheaton a video of “Girls Gone Wild – South Padre Island.”
Good Counsel 38
To distract the Johns of DeMatha, the Falcons will dress in hot pants, fishnet stockings, high heels, and see-through blouses. Seriously, boys and girls, this is a game the Big Mackerel Snapper has been anticipatin’ for a while. DeMatha is makin’ strides under Elijah Brooks. But the difference will be the Irishman, Dorian O’Daniel. How about his performance last week against Gonzaga when he rushed for 334 yards and four touchdowns! If you thought Wes Brown was good last year and Jelani Jenkins before that, wait until you see Ol’ Dorian, a 6-foot-2, 225-pound freight train barrelin’ downhill with power to go between the tackles, a stiff-arm that should be outlawed, and speed to take it the distance every time he breaks into the open field.