Rob Maher, not Katy Perry

Published on: Thursday, January 19, 2012

By Rob Maher

This week’s column is about Katy Perry.  Katy Perry is an extremely successful pop singer.  Just about every song she releases goes number one.  All of her songs sound exactly the same but I guess if it aint broke don’t fix it.  Playing name that tune with her songs would be almost impossible.  Umm, I can’t name that tune in every note.  That could be any song she’s ever done.  But one song in particular stands out to me.  Not because of how it sounds, but because of the lyrics.  Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” is a danger to society.  They say the children are the future.  Well I sure hope not because with all the teenage girls that love Katy Perry and this song, we are in big trouble.  

The song starts with this lovely verse.

There's a stranger in my bed,

There's a pounding my head

Katy Perry, not Rob Maher

Glitter all over the room

Pink flamingos in the pool

I smell like a minibar

DJ's passed out in the yard

Barbie's on the barbeque

You never want to start your day with a stranger in your bed.  We are taught as children to not even talk to strangers let alone wake up with one.  If you wake up next to a stranger I think the pounding in your head is the least of your worries.  Glitter all over the room, pink flamingos in the pool, passed out DJ’s and Barbie on a barbecue?  Is this the script for The Hangover 3?  No.  It’s a catchy hit single to which teenage girls sing along.  Let’s jump ahead to some of my favorite parts from the chorus.

Last Friday night

Yeah we danced on tabletops

Yeah, we get that you forget things.  Like,  who’s the stranger I woke up next to?  

Last Friday night

Yeah we maxed our credit cards

And got kicked out of the bar

So we hit the boulevard

Great, we’re not just a crazy drinker; we’re also bad with money.  You should never max your credit cards out but if you do it should be for something important like getting your car fixed or maybe a washer and dryer for your house but never for tequila shots and apple martinis.  

Last Friday night

We went streaking in the park

Skinny dipping in the dark

Then had a menage a trois

Oh boy.  Now were running naked through the park and nothing bad ever happens late at night in a park.  Let’s follow that up with some nude swimming and then some good ole threesome action.  At least the kids are learning some French while dancing to this debauchery.  But it gets better.  Here’s my favorite part: 

Trying to connect the dots

Don't know what to tell my boss

Think the city towed my car

Chandelier is on the floor

With my favorite party dress

Warrants out for my arrest

Think I need a ginger ale

That was such an epic fail

A ginger ale?  I think you need a time machine.  You need to go back to Friday morning and make sure this night never happens.  And the song ends with…

This Friday night

Do it all again

This Friday night

Do it all again

What?  You didn’t learn anything from this night from hell?  The stranger in your bed, the maxed out credit cards, the group sex, and the warrants for your arrest . . . none of this made you stop and say; hmm, maybe I need to slow down?  Nope.  Let’s do it all again next week.  Let’s rinse and repeat.  New Friday night, new stranger in my bed Saturday morning.  Woohoo!  

And throughout this little ditty T.G.I.F. is chanted.   I think if you are a parent of a teenage daughter you are never thanking God its Friday.  You are longing for a manic Monday and scared to death of when Katy Perry writes a song about Saturday night.  

Rob Maher - Comedian, actor, swell guy. Rob runs an open mic every Wednesday at the Potomac Grill in Rockville, www.RobMaher.com@RobMaher.