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Tea Baggers and the ‘Skins


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Published on: Thursday, October 10, 2013

By Brian J. Karem

Somewhere in the cosmos there exists a land in which the people are governed justly, they are adequately represented and the populace treats each other with respect, humor and understanding.

When people use their turn signal and change lanes, people don’t honk and cuss them out. Drivers use the passing lane only to pass and not to slow down and text, talk and eat while driving.

Government representatives don’t paint themselves into a corner and curse their opponents for being devils – mostly because they understand the only devil that exists is in their own hearts and nowhere else. Since this is a mature society, no one believes in hocus pocus, fire eating devils, gods who request meaningless sacrifices or holy wars. Health care is universal and free because people understand it is best to live by the maxim “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Of course Tea Party advocates claim this maxim will only be effective, and paradise will only come when they seize control of the country.

Meanwhile, with apologies to Don Henley and Glenn Fry, I’m just running down the road trying to loosen my load.

At the state level five of Maryland’s western counties want to form their own state based on the simple fact they are very, very conservative and of course Baltimore and Montgomery County are very, very liberal.

“United We Stand, Divided We Fall,” is the state motto of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, but it is rumored Mitch McConnell wants to change it to, “Surrender Dorothy or Die.” I attribute no truth to the rumor that McConnell likes to dress up like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz or actually starred in “Pulp Fiction” as The Gimp, but I will investigate the rumor he plans to move to Cumberland Maryland in order to write his autobiography.

I have no comment on the rumor he plans to title it “Mein Kampf II” or that it will be subtitled, “Lucky for rulers that men do not think.”

Meanwhile, Tea Party advocates claim they will soon set up shop in Western Maryland where they plan to work hard on the Party’s next platform: “Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future.”

The Tea Party’s activities have branched out to other states, though Western Maryland still remains the party’s unofficial capital.

In Kentucky the Tea Party has been successful in banning post-game handshakes in high school football. “Two enemies should never meet and shake hands after fighting one another,” said Tea Party Spokesman Paul Whiteman from his cardboard desk in Cumberland. “That’s how we ended the Civil War and that was a mistake. We also believe it is a mistake to become friends with your enemies without killing them, their family and all their friends first.”

Whiteman said he is definitely in favor of arming all sports teams and will only support the winners, “Because God wills it.”

Whiteman said his group is also effectively lobbying for minority rule throughout the country. “There’s no doubt we know best what is going on and we will make sure we enforce our will because we are right and everyone else is wrong,” Whiteman said.

As the Tea Baggers gain power, Whiteman said they will root out anyone who thinks differently because, again “God Wills it.” Whiteman also said God wills that all people should be blonde, blue-eyed and have first names, “Anybody can pronounce.”

Once Western Maryland succeeds from the rest of the state, Whiteman says it will immediately ally itself with Western Colorado – another new state rumored to be in development by Tea Party advocates. “Together we can be like East and West Pakistan,” Whiteman said. “These twin powers will be a virtual ‘Axis’ if you will of power. Our axis will spin the world and lead us to an enlightened era where Christianity rules supreme and all non-believers will perish as is prophesized in the Bible – the only book we will allow to be printed in our countries – I mean states.”

No word yet on whether these Tea Baggers will guarantee the ‘Skins can keep their name or win a Super Bowl.

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