“Hey Campers! Welcome back to our newest reality show on BreitBart Television, brought to you by Gateway Pundit.Com - Trumpalot! Starring our president - Donald J. Trump!
“This week on Trumpalot, also brought to you by Trump Tower, the letters D,J, T and perfume by Ivanka - we have our beloved King, I mean president, on the back steps of the Oval Office! Take it away Our Beloved Donald Trump!”
(There is much scattering about as 150 reporters squeeze in close to the president who has brought his favorite lap-dog Senator Mitch McConnell out for a quick look-see.)
Trump: Before I get started, I just want to show you the new trick I taught my dog. Mitch. Bark Mitch. Bark.
Trump: You know any more?
McConnell: Woof! Woof!
(Trump throws McConnell a chewy treat and Mitch smiles.)
Trump: Now I want to say I’ve been really concerned about our soldiers who’ve died. They know what they got into when they signed up, but that doesn’t mean we should forget them. After I ignore Puerto Rico, the LGBTQ community, and call those who kneel at NFL games ‘SOBS’ I’ll be sending my condolences to somebody I don’t care about to show how caring I am as President. You have permission to cheer now you members of the Fake News! Cheer!
(There are no cheers.)
Trump: Okay (He waves his index finger around like a baton) . . . Let’s see who do I want to call on. . . hmmmm...
(Reporters begin jumping up and down shouting “Mr. President!)
Trump: You. Yeah you in the front row:
Reporter: I represent . . .
Trump: I don’t care. You’re wrong. Your fired.
Reporter: Wait. What? I haven’t asked anything yet.
Trump: Too slow. (Waving his finger) You there . . .(A reporter looks his way) Yes. You’ll do. Tell me how great I am. It’s okay.
Reporter #2: Well, I wanted to ask you about the NFL . . .
Reporter: Gold Star Mothers?
Reporter: Puerto Rican hurricane victims?
Trump: Freeloaders. Bums. Bad hombres.
Okay, anyone else?
Reporter #3: Mr. President we know you think kneeling is rude, but do people have the right to take a knee?
Trump: Only if they’re taking a knee in fealty to me. (He winks at a reporter in the first row who makes a face). Okay, You there, the young lady in the second row.
Reporter#4: Mr. President do you think women should have the same rights as men.
Trump: Of course they should. Especially the very pretty ones like my daughter. If she weren’t my daughter I’d probably like to date her.
By the way she has some great perfume for sale.
We’re going to be auctioning off Camp David next week, by the way, to pay for our travel bills and the Secret Service protection we need.
Reporter #5: Wait. Mr. Trump.
Trump: You wait Mr. Fake News! I put you in the back row! Disappear!
Reporter #5: Wait just a second . . .
Trump: I don’t have to answer that. But I will tell all of you that I’ve been talking to North Korea. We’ve had extensive talks with little big Rocket Man and he’s agreed to be the concierge at one of my hotels because he already has that good looking military suit. In return I’ve agreed to open a Trump Hotel in North Korea, a Trump Golf Course and Ivanka will sell her jewelery and perfume at 13 franchise stores across North Korea.
In other news, everything else reported is fake news.
The weather is fake.
Sports are fake. The NFL, way down. Stock market up.
Faith in me - at an all-time high.
People love me.
People need me.
I made the roses grow in this Rose Garden. I’m also responsible for parting the Red Sea, ending World War II and I was the very first president to be all over the Internet.
I set a personal record for tweets this week and I am personally boarding a spaceship to show NASA scientists how to circle the earth correctly.
Reporter #1: Wait a second . . .
Trump: No. You wait a second. You’re done. Next.
(The president surveys the scene. All of the reporters have left. There’s one old man sitting in a folding chair barely awake.)
Trump: What happened?
Old Man: Huh?
Trump: What happened to my Fake Media vampires? The Donald wants to know where everyone went.
Old Man: They left. They got bored.
Trump: Bored? I thrive on chaos. I am chaos. Behold I am the Alpha and the Omega! Who are you?
Old Man: Well I was a 21-year-old NBC intern until you came into office. Now I’m an 80-year-old uninsured diabetic.
(Fade to Black)