Published on: Thursday, January 12, 2012

Laugh it up with Rob Maher

Everything happens for a reason.  

A lot of people live their life with this philosophy.  I suppose it’s a way to deal with and to rationalize bad things happening to you.  I personally don’t subscribe to this theory.  My issue is with the “everything” part.  I believe some things happen for a reason, but everything?  I think most things happen for no damn reason at all. They just happen.  Like this column.  I think you can get yourself in trouble believing everything happens for a reason.  For example:

Let’s say you are driving to work in the morning and you spill your coffee causing you to wreck your car.  You say to yourself, hmm . . . everything happens for a reason. I was driving to work. I spilled my coffee. I wrecked my car -maybe this is a bad job for me.  Come to think of it, I hate my boss and I never liked this profession to begin with.  Everything happens for a reason.  I am quitting my job!”   Now you got no job.

The next day when you would normally be at work you decide to go to the mall.  You meet this lovely girl at Macys.  You two hit it off instantly.  Once again the wheels start to turn in your head.  Hmm . . . everything happens for a reason.  If I hadn’t spilled the coffee and wrecked my car I wouldn’t have quit my job and if I hadn’t quit my job I never would have been here at the mall in the first place.  This girl is for me.  It’s fate.  It’s destiny.  Now you two start dating.

A few months go by and you realize this girl is a total mess.  She has completely ruined you.  She cheated on you with your best friend; she’s wrecked your credit and totaled your car.  You are a defeated man.  You self-esteem is shot.  You are devastated.  Hmm . . . everything happens for a reason.  If I hadn’t spilled the coffee, wrecked the car and quit the job I never would have been at the mall to meet this girl and if I hadn’t met this girl maybe my life wouldn’t be in shambles now.  But come to think of it I’ve never really had any luck with women.  Maybe this is just the sign I needed.  Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’m gay.  Now you’re on Match.com in the Men Looking For Men section.

A few weeks later you are out on the town with Chad.  Four apple martinis later, you are lying naked in Chad’s bed.  You are drunk, confused and a little overwhelmed at how you got here.  You start thinking again.  Hmm . . . everything happens for a reason.  I spilled my coffee, wrecked my car then quit my job.  The next day when I would normally be at work I went to mall.  I met this girl.  We hit it off.  She then ruined my life which made me question my sexuality which led me to Chad.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  But maybe I have this all wrong.  I actually miss my job and my old life.  Why did I have to spill that damn coffee?  Wait a minute, everything happens for a reason.  I should have bought a thermos!

So the moral of the story folks is that I guess everything does in fact in happen for a reason.  The hard part is deducing what that actual reason is.  If you lose your job maybe it is because your heart was never in it and that you should change fields entirely or more likely, maybe your boss is just a moron and accounting really is for you.  And if you can never seem to find love maybe you are in fact gay and should start dating within your same sex.  Or maybe you have just been dating a bunch of losers.  It’s up to you to decipher the reasons behind your happenings.  But remember, if you overthink things you could end up having sex with Chad when all you needed was a thermos.  The more you know . . .

Rob Maher - Comedian, actor, swell guy. Rob runs an open mic every Wednesday at the Potomac Grill in Rockville, www.RobMaher.com@RobMaher.