Sunday, May 19, 2013 3:41 AM
Published on: Monday, January 30, 2012
Do you know anyone under the age of 70 who doesn’t own a cell phone? Neither do I. You pretty much have to have a cell phone these days. My service provider is AT&T. I think I am one of the few left. Most of my friends have Verizon and the reason I know that is because they are always telling me they have Verizon and how great it is. They’re always getting calls indoors and in bad weather, you know, showing off. Verizon customers are the elitists of cell phone owners. You can’t complain about your cell phone around a Verizon person because the minute you do Mr. or Mrs. Verizon will chime in. “Well I have Verizon. I have 40 bars at all times. I get calls in tunnels and underwater. I get calls from the future. I just downloaded Iron Man 7.” Ok, I get it. You have awesome service. I look forward to calling you with my lame AT&T service and having the call dropped.
And now Verizon has the iPhone. That’s just not fair. If AT&T ever loses the iPhone they will resemble the Peyton Manning-less Indianapolis Colts this year. I have never liked iPhone people. They are always so damn proud of their phone. Whenever they get an iPhone they always act like they just had a baby. “Oh my God, I’ve got the iPhone. It’s so cute. I’ve got pictures of the iPhone in my iPhone. Its 4.9 ounces. Look, it’s in sleep mode.” Ugh. It’s just a phone! Is there an app that stops you from turning into a giant dbag whenever you pull out your phone? Well there should be.
My girlfriend has a flip phone. When I first met her I used to make fun of her flip phone and how old it looked. It had a rotary dial. She got tired of me making fun of her so she got a newer, shinier flip phone. It has all the bells and whistles. And I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean it literally has bell and whistle ring tones. It has zero figurative bells and whistles.
I’ve had a Blackberry for years but I just recently broke down and joined the dark side. I bought myself an iPhone last month. The new one, the 4S. And I love it! I am that guy now. The guy I’ve made fun of for years. The guy that’s always playing with his phone. The guy that’s walking and iPhoneing at the same time. The guy that’s constantly searching for new apps. I am now that guy, that giant dbag. That’s me. I am currently obsessed with this app that turns your pictures into cartoons. It’s called Toon Camera and it serves zero purpose other than annoying my friends. I have 27 cartoon version pictures of my girlfriend’s cat in my phone. I need help. There’s probably an app for that.
My only problem with my new iPhone so far is that my girlfriend loves it more than I do. We fight over who gets to play with it. She wins every time. I will find the game, pay for and download the game but then never actually get to play the game. She’s playing Angry Birds while I stare at the cat. She’s playing Words With Friends and I am playing the bell sound on her pink flip phone. But then I realized if she’s busy with the phone I can control the TV remote. No more HGTV and The Bachelor. Thank you iPhone. You’re a girlfriend distractor, the greatest invention ever. I can now watch whatever I want on TV for just 400 initial bucks and then $100 a month. Wait a minute. That’s an awful deal. I should just buy my girlfriend her very own iPhone. That makes much more sense. And that’s how they get you folks. Two months ago I was the most anti iPhone guy of all time. Now, I am about to buy my second one in thirty days. You win Apple.
Rob Maher - Comedian, actor, swell guy. Rob runs an open mic every Wednesday at the Potomac Grill in Rockville, www.RobMaher.com@RobMaher.