Monday, December 09, 2013 6:34 AM
Published on: Thursday, February 02, 2012
Laugh it up... by Rob Maher
I am going to miss the Super Bowl this Sunday. I will be on an airplane headed to Qatar. Yep, Qatar. Qatar is a really tough country to say and spell. Is it pronounced Kuh Tar or is it more Cutter? And it’s almost impossible for me to not put a U after the Q. It defies everything I know about the English language. So why am I headed to this place I can’t say or spell? Comedy, of course. It’s where all the greats play. New York City, Las Vegas and Doha, Qatar, aka the big three.
I am on another US Military Base tour. I will be performing two shows at Al Udeid Air Base in Doha and then off to Japan to tell jokes at Atsugi Naval Base and Yokosuka Naval Base.
This trip will be easy compared to my last one. 20 days, 19 shows, 27 flights, 10 beds slept in, 6 countries and 16 bases later it was finally over. Exhilarating and brutal at the same time. It was an amazing adventure. We did shows in Abu Dhabi, Oman, Bahrain, Kuwait, Afghanistan and Krygyzstan. If you are planning a dream vacation I would avoid these places.
Abu Dhabi suffers from 90 percent humidity at all times.
Oman isn’t as hot but it’s also a lot less fun to say than Abu Dhabi. Bahrain was awesome because we got to stay in a hotel and perform indoors one show.
Advantage Bahrain. In Kuwait we got to stay at another hotel but Kuwait is a dry country, no alcohol. Boo! Advantage everywhere else. And Kuwait is ridiculously hot. I think the sun lives there. Afghanistan is awesome. I could totally summer there.
We performed at eight bases in Afghanistan. We were based in Bagram, that’s the base from which the Navy Seal team that killed Bin Laden is based. Wow. We ended the trip in Krygyzstan which is actually quite beautiful and borders Kazakhstan, the home of Borat. It was on this trip I got to fire a M240 Bravo Machine Gun.
I had never fired a gun before in my life. Having a M240 Bravo be the first gun you fire is probably a lot like losing your virginity with a porn star. “Oh, I don’t think I am ready for this…Are you sure that goes there…Whoaaahh! That was quite a kickback.”
Throughout my travels all over the world these past few years I have learned one thing with absolute certainty. We are getting our asses kicked in the attractive flight attendant department. Apparently in Turkey, Italy, Portugal, Greece and Japan they still subscribe to the young, hot and thin flight attendant theory. Our flight attendants here in the good ole U S of A are anything but young, hot and thin. First of all, there’s no chance our flight attendants will be young and hot.
All the young and hot flight attendants have moved on to bigger and better things like marrying a pilot or some rich dude they met in first class. And young? Come on! I think some of these relics served peanuts on the Wright Brothers first flight.
They are all a bunch of MILFs: Mothers I’d Love to Forget. And they have not aged gracefully. They are bitter and angry after having tended to unreasonable and ignorant passengers needs for years. And I don’t blame them for being bitter. People are the worst. The woman next to me on my most recent flight asked for her filet to be cooked medium rare. Lady, we are on a PLANE! There’s no chef preparing this to order. We are eating a glorified Stouffers Salisbury Steak microwave dinner. It comes one way. Crappy.
But I guess we can’t dominate everything can we America? The rest of the world has us crushed in Flight Attendants and Soccer. Do something Obama.
Rob Maher - Comedian, actyor, swell guy. Rob runs an open mic every Wednesday at the Potomac Grill in Rockville, www.RobMaher.com@RobMaher.
Posted By: Service On: 7/9/2012
Who did you perform with? One of the comedians had a great Mortal Kombat and Jurassic Park skit..
Posted By: The American On: 2/18/2012
Title: sounds like...
It sounds a lot like you really struck a nerve with "Flight attendant husband". But hey, i'd be bitter too if I married some flight attendant that is old and ugly now. Or a doctor that is old and ugly now. Anyone old and ugly. You said it, not me.
As for you, Susan Hart, I couldn't agree more. Shame on you, Rob, for taking time out of your life to try to entertain people you (and I) respect, even when you have to fly for hours to a place you don't want to be. If you don't like flying (who doesn't love flying?) and being in the middle east then I really have to question why you would volunteer for such work? And don't tell me it's "for the troops". What a disgrace you are, not loving humidity.
One last thing, Suze. Have you ever been to Afghanistan? Or were you just assuming you knew what it's like out there, and that you'd enjoy it? I'll guess the latter (that means the second one in this context). When you see your son again, thank him for his service, and ask him this:
"Hi son, how was Afghanistan? Awesome, right?"
P.S. I've been stationed in Afghanistan, twice. It sucks. One of the only things that made it any better was when people volunteered their time to cheer us up. I had to be there, they didn't. Thank you Rob.
Posted By: Kilroy On: 2/17/2012
The young man is doing something for our troops, on a regular basis, that they much enjoy. He does so, not for big bucks or fame, but to do his part to give back to our country. Susan Hart and Y Lister can revel in their sanctimony but developing a bit of a sense of humor would serve both of them better.
Posted By: Rob Maher On: 2/17/2012
Title: To Susan and Flight Attendant Husband
I am confused Susan. Were you directing those comments at me? I love my job. Why do you feel I dislike it? And I am a disgrace for performing for our troops? Not following you.
Y Lister. That was funny. Well done but the troops that I perform for don't care if I am famous or not they just care if I am funny. That's the same with every crowd a comic performs for. You are just mad at me because of the flight attendant stuff. You are defending your wife. I can appreciate that. Not to trying to upset or offend anyone here.
Posted By: Flight Attendant Husband On: 2/15/2012
Title: Y Lister
The other thing we have learned is that the level of entertainment for the troops has gone down hill big time. What happened to A or B list celebrities going overseas? Hell at this point even a D list would be better than what they are getting.
So yes not all flight attendants are "MILFs" or super hot but come on at least send someone the troops know or have heard of. I just did a search on the comedy central website for this guy and it came up with no results. Please President Obama...do something people running open mics are not what troops need to see.
Yes I have a chip on my shoulder because my wife is a flight attendant and she is not as young and hot as she once was. Too bad there are Dbags like this passing judgement. Wait I get it the column was a wacky "comedy bit"
Thank you Susan Hart. Thank your son for his service to our country. Semper Fi! (former Marine here)
Posted By: Rob Maher On: 2/4/2012
Title: Honor To Perform
Its truly been an honor and a great thrill for me to perform for our troops Mary. Maybe I'll run into your Pilot one day.
Posted By: Susan Hart On: 2/3/2012
Title: Mother of a USAF Pilot
You seem to dislike your job so why not find something else to do - Thank goodness for those that SERVE our country - my son is a Pilot in the USAF and will be in this area...he has many friends who have been or are there now. Shame on you...what a disgrace you are.
Posted By: Susan Hart On: 2/2/2012
Title: Mother of a USAF Pilot
Meant to say that our Military are proud of what THEY do