Tuesday, December 10, 2013 2:55 AM
Published on: Wednesday, February 22, 2012
By Rob Maher
I was flipping through TV channels last night when I saw this listed, “Full Metal Jousting.” Immediately, I was sold. Sometimes all you need is three words to be hooked like; Ice Cream Sandwich, Catherine Zeta Jones or Justin Bieber Retires. Full Metal Jousting is a new reality TV show on the History Channel. I love reality TV. I am not sure what that says about me but I am sure that whatever it does say about me is not good. The list of reality shows I watch is long and embarrassing. I once watched a marathon of Real Housewives of Atlanta followed by Gold Rush Alaska, Celebrity Apprentice and then the Bachelor. And by once I mean last Sunday.
Full Metal Jousting is a ridiculous show. Two teams of Jousters compete against each other for a cash prize. Unfortunately for them, you can’t win your pride back. I know the show is awful but I also know I can’t stop watching. It’s unintentionally hilarious which is often times the best kind of funny. At one point one of the Jousters looks into the camera and says, “I will joust anyone, anytime, anywhere.” Umm, ok. Well what if we are like somewhere where there are no horses and no jousting court and no one has armor or a jousting stick/lance? So we can really only joust if we both happen to be attending a Medieval Times performance. That’s the most specific anyone, anywhere, anytime ever. They also have their names printed on the back of their armor. I am pretty sure that’s not historically accurate but if I see a Tebow or Lin on someone’s back I’m betting on that guy.
I have been in denial over the Bachelor/Bachelorette show. I convinced myself I was only watching them because my girlfriend likes the show. Our schedules are very different so we often separately keep up with each show. I recently asked her about an episode of the Bachelor and she looked at me like I was crazy and told me she stopped watching that stupid show a long time ago. Oh. Whoops. My initial reaction was to think well now I don’t have to watch that stupid show either but all that did was make me sad. I have to see who Ben picks. How could I stop watching now? What the hell is wrong with me? I need help. Maybe I just like watching women cry. That theory isn’t making me feel any better. I will just have to watch Basketball Wives. That always cheers me up.
However, there is one reality show I can’t stomach. MTV’s My Super Sweet 16. The show chronicles the planning of and then the birthday party of the most spoiled, ungrateful brats you could ever imagine. The parents of these evil seeds frequently spend in upwards of $100,000 on these parties. A brand new luxury car is expected and so is a big name musical act. One girl got furious with her father because she wanted Tupac to perform at her party. He tried to explain to her that Tupac is dead but she wasn’t having it. “If he can continue to put out albums then he can play at my Sweet 16.” The birthday girl/guy usually ends up complaining about something the entire party where as the guests are raving about how much fun this is. “This is the best party I’ve ever been to.” Well of course it is. You’re 15. You’re just happy to be up past 11. Wait until you get to college and you are at a party in some disgusting frat house basement with cheap vodka, kegs of Milwaukee’s Best and drunken sorority girls. That party will cost 75 bucks to throw and it will blow this $275,000 party out of the water because honestly, how good can a party be that doesn’t have any sex, drugs or alcohol?
Unless, of course, that party includes Full Metal Jousting. Then it’s the greatest party ever.