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Merry Christmas . . . now put on your pants

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Published on: Thursday, December 22, 2011

By Rob Maher

They say knowledge is power.  Well I say not all knowledge is power.  Here are ten fascinatingly profound, random thoughts.  They will not change your life and you are unlikely to learn anything of true value but you will read them and you will enjoy them.  Please.  Thank you.  

1. You only live once.

I don't understand the way people use that theory in their life.  People  always say, "You only live once" right before they're about to do something crazy like do their 10th shot of Tequila or bungee jump or have sex with me.  My thinking is that if you truly only live once, shouldn’t you be more careful with your life?  Shouldn’t you be like, "You only live once.  I better eat that apple.  You only live once.  I should get to bed early."

2. Socks

I once knew a guy that never wore the same pair of socks twice.  He would constantly buy new white crew socks.  He loved how a new pair of socks felt.  I thought he was crazy.  The other day I bought some new socks myself.  I put on a pair and was reminded of how nice and comfy they make your feet feel. Yes, I said the word comfy.  I thought, maybe he's on to something.  If you start every day with your feet happy, maybe the rest of you follows suit.

3. Chalant

How come no one ever uses the word chalant?  I guess it’s not an actual word but it should be.  If there’s a nonchalant there should be a chalant.  "Mam, your son was just in a car accident.  Are you concerned?"  "Yes, I am feeling very chalant about the whole thing."

3. Snoring

Why is that people who snore don't believe you when you tell them they snore?  Why would I lie about that and how do you know you don't snore?  This isn’t some snoring conspiracy.  You are keeping the whole neighborhood up and I am feeling very chalant about it.

5. Tattoos

I don't get the fascination with tattoos.  I'm not against anyone getting a tattoo but I could never get one myself.  I can't imagine there being anything I'd want to put on my body that I wouldn't be bored of in about  five hours.  I can't even wear a hat because then I know I have to wear it all day because my hair will be messed up.  That's just a one day commitment and I'm out; let alone a lifetime commitment that a tattoo brings.

6. Personalized plates

I don't get the fascination with those either.  See above for some of the same reasons.  Also, I'm against anything that makes my plates easier for the cops to read.  When I'm driving home after one too many at three a.m. on a Tuesday night (yes Tuesday night, I have a problem) the last thing I want is the cops to be drawn to my YEGRFAN vanity plates.  

7. Pineapple

Pineapple is the most underrated fruit ever.  Think about it, it’s wonderful on its own; its great on pizza, its great with chicken and it has its own cake, Pineapple Upside Down Cake.   Take that strawberries!

8. Pretzels

Pretzels are even more versatile than pineapple.  Pretzels can be hard or soft.  They

can be covered in salt or cinnamon, dipped in mustard, icing or chocolate.  You can eve n make a sandwich with pretzels as the bread.  Doritos have nothing on pretzels.  Now I am hungry.  

9.  Topless hair salons

They would kick ass.  That's all.  

10. Shorts in the winter

I hate it when it’s an abnormally warm day but still not actually warm, think 55 in February, and there's some idiot wearing shorts.  Everyone else is enjoying the fact that there not cold for the first time in 4 months while this moron has managed to wear an outfit that ensures, on the warmest day in months, he's still cold.   I know your great, great grandfather is from Norway but you’re from Rockville.  Put some damn pants on!

And with that, Happy Holidays to all.  

Rob Maher - Comedian, actor, swell guy. Rob runs an open mic every Wednesday at the Potomac Grill in Rockville. @RobMaher

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