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Another silly Redskin year

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Published on: Thursday, August 29, 2013

By Brian J. Karem

Albert Camus, once thought to be an existentialist until everyone realized he was just being absurd, wrote about the wonderful “Myth of Sysiphus.”

Old Sysiphus, being a Washington Redskin fan, thought each year his wonderful team was immortal and would win the Super Bowl.

Alternative versions have been printed, of course, about immortality and angering the gods, but the real, first draft, long thought to have been lost, was recently discovered in an Olney basement underneath some old rags and Christmas wrapping paper.

It clearly points out that Sysiphus, when Camus was writing about the eternal struggle of pushing a rock up a hill, only to have it roll back down whereupon he would start to push it up the hill again, was not talking about the futility of life.

He wasn’t talking about working in a car plant and he wasn’t talking about wasting one’s life under the absurd assumption that life had meaning.

He was clearly and most assuredly talking about the utter lack of hope of being a Washington Redskin football fan – particularly in the days of Dan Snyder.

“Oh Snyderus Dannus, how crueleth he surely is,” wrote Camus.

What’s amazing is that Camus was a step ahead of Nostradamus in predicting the demise of the Western World by predicting Dan Snyder.

The man was brilliant I tell you, brilliant.

Of course we all know Nostradamus was brilliant too. He in fact predicted Camus, with “And the Camelus will villibus in the ultrabus.” Many have translated this as Camus will predict Snyder, but some others have said it is an indication of Camus’ native absurdist tendencies to predict that a V.W. microbus will inherit the earth.

Some other recently uncovered Nostradamus predictions, found in the same pile of old rags and Christmas wrapping paper in Olney, also make some very startling predictions about the coming year:

“And in the yeareth of the cold time will come flakes like soap on the porcupine of eagles.” Which either translates as the first snow fall will come at the end of January in 2014 and people will go nuts and be unable to drive in the shallow snow and ice, or some think it means that The Outta The Way café in Derwood is actually the center of the Universe and Chip Berman will grant three magical wishes to a brunette wearing a literal porcupine – as opposed to a figurative one.

Of course not all of the predictions in the new found scrolls are good.

One quote says, “And the whirlwind will cease when the land is laid waste and the trees are brown,” meaning the end of the world will come in 2015 or after Jack Black downs a 20-pound meal of refried beans.

Either way it doesn’t bode well.

One particularly humorous passage needs a second look however:

“And the coyne shall be spent by the Spartan when the Lycan intersects a Pacino,” which many have interpreted as the spending of money will bring about a plague of werewolves, but others now admit it means that local comedian Dave Coyne’s newest video, “Lycan vs. Spartan,” is just downright hilarious.

There is another obvious reference to Dave Coyne:

“And when the Scotsman threatens defecation at the short man’s lawn, monkeys will be the victims of random sonograms and small children will quiver in fear.”

Most scholars now believe without a doubt that Nostradamus was predicting Coyne’s recently released YouTube video concerning Sean Connery.

Of course all of this is up for interpretation. Who really knows what Nostradamus or Camus meant?

Nostradamus probably took too much ergot and Camus probably had a relative flattened by a runaway horse cart.

It really doesn’t matter. Either way the economy is still in the toilet and people are trying to upright it against the nattering nabobs of negativism.

Things will get worse. Things will get worse. Just ask Danny Snyder and the Redskins.

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