Saturday, May 18, 2013 8:10 AM
Published on: Thursday, October 11, 2012
By Montgomery Marty
Marty has just one thing to say about the pathetic TV announcers of the Washington Nationals. Thank God it’s the playoffs and “Bonehead” Bob Carpenter and “Meathead” F.P. Santangelo are finally in their rightful place – off the air.
Seriously, kids, how did these homers get their jobs? These clowns are awful. No insight. No color. No nothing.’ Just hip-hip-hooray when the Nats score. Marty didn’t think he’d ever utter these words but, he actually wants Rob Dibble to come back.
Every time Ol’ F.P. opens his yap and talks about his playin’ days, the Big Sound and Fury asks himself, “Who the F. is F.P.? And why the F. is he tellin’ me about his baseball career? In fact, the Big Buckin’ Bronco just figured out what the P. in F.P. stands for, “pitiful.” Marty reckons you can figure out the rest.
Maybe the Big Bird Fan was spoiled in his formative years, listenin’ to greats like Chuck “Ain’t the Beer Cold” Thompson, Bill O’Donnell, John Miller, Mel Proctor, John Lowenstein, and Jim Palmer. When Jim Palmer talks about his career, Marty sits up and listens real good. When F.P. talks about his glory days, Marty checks out quick, fast, and in a hurry.
Talkin’ about pathetic performances, Marty dropped a big one last week, goin’ 11-7, his worst showin’ since the Ford Administration. The good news, is the Big Seer, Sage, and Soothsayer is ready to rally with a vengeance to improve his 75-30 season record.
Seneca Valley 20, Blake 14
Behind Will Scott, Blake is on a serious run, boys and girls, winnin’ four straight. The last time that happened was 2004, when the Bengal Tigers were still an expansion franchise in the Old Continental Football League.
Sherwood 20, Springbrook 6
In losses to Blair, Whitman, and Walter Johnson, the Springbrook offense has failed to score a point. After going 5 for 20 for 41 yards in the Whitman loss, quarterback Neiman Blain said he was inspired by Jets quarterback Tim Tebow.
The Big Sound and Fury would like to send a personal thank you out to Jagulars’ quarterback Matty Callahan who went 27 of 41 for 327 yards last week, leadin’ Northwest to a 27-24 come-from-behind victory at Churchill and makin’ Marty look good. The Big Basso Profundo picked the score 27-26 with Northwest triumphin.’ Marty’s only mistake was figurin’ that Ol’ Matty might take a safety and make his score come out perfecto.
Blair 7, Whitman 6
How about Jeff Seals’ boys! Not only did the Blazers end their 14-game losin’ streak with a 13-8 win over Northwood in the battle of University Boulevard, they followed it up with a 17-0 shutout of Springbrook, the team that used to own them. The Big Bandwagon Jumper is hot and heavy on the Montgomery Blair Blazers. They got a chance to run the table, boys and girls.
Clarksburg 23, Magruder 7
Zadok Nation now accepting applications for deportation.
Watkins Mill 34
How about Patrick Schlosser doin’ it all last week for the Mill in a 48-22 win over Einstein! He rushed for 13 times for 149 yards and two touchdowns. He completed 12 of 19 passes for 163 yards and three scores. He also booted six extra points, brought cookies for his offensive linemen, and answered fan questions at halftime via the worldwide web.
Quince Orchard 37
Richard Montgomery 7
Referees received a rare standing ovation last week when they penalized QO cheerleaders for excessive use of “Jig-a-low. Jig-Jig-a-low.”
Paint Branch 14
The Big History Buff is about to give you a lesson, boys and girls. So pull up a chair, get comfortable, and listen up. The last time the big, bold, proud Panthers of Paint Branch lost five straight games was 1981. They will match that streak if they lose Friday to Einstein. But here’s what you need to know about how much Montogmery County football has changed in 31 years. In 1981, when Paint Branch went 1-9, its lone win came against Damascus, 15-14, in OT. That same year, coach Chuck Packon’s Swarmin’ Hornets went 10-2, beatin’ Great Mills to win the Class B state championship. How about that for balance, kids! That could never happen in 2012.
According to Damascus coach Eric Wallich, “Jimmie Cone Culture,” to blame for Swarmin’ Hornets’ recent lack of concentration.
B-CC 12, Wootton 7
Wootton’s Joshua Strass (6-3, 295) is now wearing No. 11, claiming the vertical digits are “slimming.”
Walter Johnson 7
When these two soccer schools get together, expect plenty of corner kicks, yellow cards, field goals that sail under the crossbar, and hooliganism.
Silver Oak Academy 14
Marty gets wind that Silver Oak, former Bowling Brook, is a Carroll County school for juvenile offenders. The Big Buckin’ Bronco warns Wheaton (and security detail) to be on alert for the jailbreak screen.
This is Marty’s lock of the week. The Big Prognosticator says bet it big and bet it often. Vegas has it at 7 ½, Atlantic City at 6 ¾. Parlay this with Boulderdash in the third at Charles Town and Marty will see you the Hollywood Casino
Good Counsel 42
New drinking game at Good Counsel: Every time the Irishman, Doran O’Daniel, stiff-arms a tackler to the turf, it’s time for a stiff drink of Captain Morgan spiced rum.
Woodberry Forest 20
Hoowee palamino. Check out the records of the teams in the Interstate Athletic Conference this year -- Bullis (5-0), St. Stephen’s/St. Agnes (5-1), Landon (4-1), St. Albans (3-3), and Episcopal (2-2). This is a loaded league, boys and girls, so the Big Reform School Grad is gonna have to give the edge in this one to Da Bears.
St. Stephen’s/St. Agnes 14
This could be a tough one for Pat Cilento’s boys as Gender Identity Issues High enters with a 5-1 record. The Big Man’s Man, however, don’t see no way, no how the Bulldogs surrender to the cross-dressin’ Saints.
St. Mary’s Ryken 14
The road warriors of the Capital Athletic Football Conference are in the midst of a seven-game road trip. On Friday Avalon heads to godforsaken Leonardtown for a clash of the Round Table – the Black Knights of Avalon against the Knights of St. Mary’s Ryken. Marty says go with Avalon speedsters Jacquille Veii and Rachid Ibrahim leadin’ a stampede in Southern Maryland.