Published on: Friday, September 03, 2010

By Brian J. Karem

After participating in several candidate forums and debates this election season, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone needs to write a handbook for those valiant souls who are trying desperately to represent us.

I’m talking about from big to little, it’s just plain as the wart on my grandmother’s nose that candidates for office have no idea how to talk in public.

So, here’s my sure fire guidebook to getting elected. Remember, you heard it here first:

1. Make sure you run down your opponent at every turn. We love that so much as voters.

Nothing trips our trigger so much as watching two pea brains call each other names....

2. Always give vague answers. Nobody wants specifics.

Oops...sorry I was writing the “How not to get elected” guidebook.

Let’s take another look and stand back and wonder why we vote for who we do...and how we can affect the democratic process.

First, and foremost - Be Blunt.

Please. Tell us what you think, even if you don’t think people will agree with you.

Someone will and they might just appreciate a frank, honest opinion.

If you don’t know something, it’s okay to say you don’t know.

It isn’t okay to say you don’t know who holds the elected office to which you’re trying to get elected, but otherwise, the electorate can be fairly forgiving if you don’t know an obscure fact like - down to the square inch, tell me how many acres are in the county’s agriculture reserve.

Among other things, take some grooming tips. Bathe regularly, wash your face and hands.

Wait a minute, now I’m giving child rearing guidelines.

Well teaching politicians as it turns out isn’t much different from raising kids and I find you have to speak to them the same way.

Every chance they get they’ll change their mind, back track, lose their place and avoid direct eye contact.

The reasons are clear enough. They want to prey upon the commonwealth from two to six years and already feel guilty about all the money people are donating to them.

Once they actually get in office they lose the ability to feel guilty about it, so we have to press them early and often when they’re newbies.

Besides dressing well, projecting well and speaking well, someone please get to the point.

If you’re running for office please tell me you have a reason. Tell me your agenda.

Be proud of it.

I don’t care if you’re agenda is raiding the public cupboard. I can appreciate honesty.

Speak up.

Royce Hanson, running for county council, quoted Abraham Lincoln and said he’d walk with the devil if the devil was walking his way.

Be proud, you little devils.

Let the electorate know exactly what you’re thinking.

Above all else that should remain true.

I am tired of trying to decipher what someone is actually saying as they speak a ton of verbage and hide their intentions under cliches, oxymorons and vague aphorisms.

For the love of all that is holy, please tell us what you think.

Of course as I offer these pearls of wisdom I am curiously and sadly aware that some of you running for office have no thought.

Not only do you not have an original thought, but you have no thought in your head that hasn’t been spouted by endless, mindless trolls before you.

Be proud man.

Speak up.

Let us know what you’re really not thinking.

I often wonder why people would run for political office when there are so many other decent jobs available, like fry cook, or highway stripe painter.

Then it occurred to me: Where else can you get on t.v., spout bile at the drop of the hat and have people cheer you?

Sure, Glenn Beck has a job, but how many Glen Becks are there?

I wonder?

I also wonder if I’ll ever in my lifetime meet a politician who’s just an ordinary guy.