Tuesday, May 21, 2013 1:07 PM
Published on: Thursday, January 10, 2013
By Brian J. Karem
Seeing as how the world has decided to continue rolling on after we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse (or have we? Hmmm . . .) it is time for a few new rules to be applied to what passes for culture in the teen-age years of the twenty first century.
My first rule is simple enough. If you can’t allow cars to merge in traffic then you cannot call yourself a Christian.
You are not allowed to Monday morning quarterback, offer comments on live television or be a color commentator for any sport unless you’ve actually played the sport. Violators may be shot at the viewer’s discretion.
Speaking of shooting things, you are not allowed to use the “Archie Bunker” defense – that is arming everyone on the planet – in order to solve the problems of gun violence.
For members of Congress, you are never allowed to use the “Mitch McConnell” maneuver -you may never, ever filibuster your own bill.
Hence forth, all speed light cameras and red light cameras will be disconnected and burned.
Politicians can continue earning exorbitant pay, provided three times a year every member of the House and Senate volunteer at and live in a homeless shelter for one week. They must also serve time as barkers at county fairs and volunteer for the dunking booth. Their children must, by law, go to public schools and the representatives not only actually have to live in the district they serve whenever they aren’t in Congress, but they must use public transportation or walk to work. They can accept donations from wherever they want, but all elections will be paid for by the public and every donation will be put into a general fund for all candidates equally. Excess funds will be turned over to the homeless.
Each county in the nation can only have one police force which rules over all cities, counties and municipalities. In Montgomery County this would eliminate at least six or seven extraneous policing entities that have nothing better to do than camp out on the ICC and ticket anyone going 56 in a 55 mph zone.
Hence forth every taxing entity in the country must adopt “Zero-Based” budgeting.
In order to qualify as a “musician” you must actually be able to play an instrument. Just because you were on “X-Factor” or “American Idol” or your last name is “Bieber” and were caught singing does not make you either a singer or a musician.
Hence forth just because you’ve been seen on television, or YouTube doesn’t mean you are a “Celebrity”.
Whatever version of God you currently worship is fine and dandy, just keep it to yourself.
From now on, anyone more than 20 lbs overweight is not allowed to where the following – “Speedos”, halter tops, two-piece bathing suits, “wife beaters,”thongs or booty shorts.
From now on if you don’t believe in evolution then you are not allowed to get an annual flu shot. After all, if the influenza virus is incapable of mutating and evolving, then you won’t need it.
If you claim to support the the Bill of Rights, then you must support all of them – including the second amendment – and the first.
If you are really concerned about immigration policy, then support education.
If you have problem with the term “Global Warming,” or “Climate Change,” then come up with your own term and shut up.
If you don’t believe the Earth is currently warming or have a problem understanding how seven billion people on this Petri dish of a planet contributes to climate change, then you are condemned to work in the Department of Motor Vehicles and must handle teenage license applicants while everyone else goes on lunch break.
Hence forth everyone has universal health care for all life sustaining needs. Anyone requesting cosmetic surgery must be viewed and approved by Brent Musberger first.
“In God We Trust” will be removed from all of our money, to be replaced by “In God We Trust. All others pay cash.”
Mad Magazine will be required reading in high school.
If you’re older than 18 and not in college and still live at home and have your bills paid by your parents, then you are allowed to be spanked, grounded and sold to the Gypsies for cheap labor.
In order to short circuit any future problems, all Catholic Priests must register as sex offenders.
There are a few more rules, but I’m tired and I will follow my final rule: If you’re born in Kentucky you must consume one shot of moonshine a day in order to stay grounded.