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New guidelines for school safety

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Published on: Thursday, January 24, 2013

By Brian J. Karem

As state legislatures around the country convene for their annual knee-jerk reactions, the legislators in Texas seem to be a step ahead of everyone; including their counter parts here in sunny Maryland as we all deal with possible gun play in our once proud schools.

Dr. William Gewehr-Schrotfline Gefangnis, the head of the Texas Department of Education, has developed a manual that may well become the Bible for teachers in the future.

Why? You may ask, and as everyone knows, and I will tell you, Texas buys a lot of textbooks and so Texas and California are often the harbingers of doom in the field of education.

The Gefangnis manual outlines some very specific plans for the future well worth discussing. Each day, as proposed, private and public elementary schools will have to conduct “Drop, tuck and cover rolls” as teachers practice pulling out and using 9MM automatic handguns in the classroom.

Teachers will be tested on how quickly they can draw and empty a clip on a moving target. They must also be able to discern between a passive and aggressive target, differentiate between students and students with “lethal intent” as well as “Helicopter parents” and “non-evasive intrusions from the outside world.”

Students will be judged on how fast they can drop to the ground and cower under their desks without yelling. Live fire drills will be part of the exercise, as well as “paint-ball” style tournaments where students can be both target and shooter.

“We feel like we want to keep the sense of adventure and fun in a child’s life while dealing with these very serious issues in the classroom,” said Dr. Gefangnis.

In addition, each year Middle School aged children will go on a weekend retreat where they will learn responsible gunplay, how to disarm intruders, how to clean and field strip an automatic weapon as well as advanced courses in grenade throwing and fire fights where “crossfire and passive targets are evaluated.”

“We really want to establish terms of what is acceptable in regards to soft tissue loss, innocent bystander injuries and kill-to-shoot ratios. We have Texas on the cutting edge of this technology and we’re going to take advantage of it,” said Dr. Gefangnis.

As expected, the Texas plan is running into some opposition, especially in the “soft commie states,” of the northeast according to Gefangnis.

“We simply think that people should eliminate all guns and join hands in a loving communal embrace,” said Dr. Lydia Schwach-Erschrocken from Harvard University’s esteemed school of criminal psychology. “Far from arming everyone, we believe the best idea is to disarm everyone so we take away the police-state threat and teach everyone to be better adults. To that end we are sponsoring legislation to get rid of all guns,” Dr. Erschrocken said.

The Erschrocken initiative would have the federal government tax all roads and highways and put that money to use by investing it in the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms. “This would mean some delays on the road as we would want to install toll booths every two miles on the U.S. Interstate system, but to be frank there’s already a lot of toll booths on the highways. We want to charge every driver a minimal amount, but then make sure we have ATF agents in place at every gun show, gun shop and street corner in America,” Erschrocken explained.

Gefangnis said he isn’t entirely opposed to that plan, but said all the ATF agents have to be “armed, trained and ready to kill,” he explained.

“So why bother with that? We can use the same amount of money and teach responsible gunplay in our once proud schools and eliminate the problem at the source.”

Gefangnis said part of his plan, being considered for adoption in Texas as early as next week, would also have high school students teaching elementary students “responsible and reasonable gun skills,” at an early age as part of an “intern-mentoring” process.

“Get those high schoolers out doing something useful,” Gefangnis said. “We can raise taxes to make sure our kids are safe, they don’t do drugs, they don’t lose their virginity and they teach youngsters how to shoot straight. It’s the American dream.”

Texas votes on the plan soon.

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