Sunday, April 20, 2014 1:43 AM
Published on: Friday, November 30, 2012
By Brian J. Karem
Hi everybody and welcome to the new game show “Cacophony” where you can battle with your neighbor to be heard above the din of a multitude of other voices giving us their inerudite and unexpurgated opinions on anything and everything.
Gone are the days of a daily newspaper and a television station. Welcome to the new ignorance.
Joining us as the host of “Cacophony” is the late George Carlin.
George, take it away. . .
“Thanks and let me tell you from beyond the grave there was nothing like bathing in the Hudson River to prepare me for this gig.
“We have three contestants now who will vie for the title of “Most Impressive” after which they will be able to bow for the deity of their choosing, pray to an invisible man in the sky and ask him why he always needs their money.
“Our first contestant is Mrs. Viral Jones, a local housewife who makes home-porno videos on YouTube in her spare time while she raises three children in a strictly Christian-Hindu environment. Our second contestant is Mr. Michael Hunt, a born-again-atheist from Bethesda who worships asphalt, and our final contestant is the late, great Albert Einstein who was bored and thought he’d drop in for a little logic chopping.
“Okay our first question . . .”
“Wait! Wait! Mr. Carlin will you be saying the seven words you’re not supposed to say?”
“What the F*** do you care Mrs. Jones. Just answer the question. The first is, if you don’t believe in evolution, then how do you explain the need for a new flu shot every year – if the flu virus doesn’t evolve, you shouldn’t need one right?”
“Mr. Mike Hunt?”
“Yes, I’d like to answer that. God is testing us.”
“Wrong. But, hey, in today’s logic that’s okay. Your answer is correct. You too have just added to the cacophony.”
“Yes? Mr. Einstein.”
“Logic dictates Mr. Carlin . . .”
“Logic? This isn’t Star Trek, so we don’t have to listen . . . wait, the judges are over-ruling me and now tell me that logic is allowed, but you must say it with irony . . .”
“Umm….logically that seems silly Mr. Carlin.”
“Good enough…now, moving on…the next question is strictly for our Rockville audience. Explain, if you can how the city has refused to give its city workers cost-of-living raises while making more money than they thought budgeted?”
(Only the chirps of crickets can be heard.)
“Ummm… is it because of the Flat Earth Society?”
“Well spoken Mr. Hunt. We can accept that answer.”
“It’s because we faked the moon landing!”
“Yes. Mrs. Jones, we can accept that answer too.”
“Obviously the city is incapable of conducting its affairs so it adequately compensates its employees while deftly manipulating and anticipating its current and coming budget . . .”
(Long silence . . .)
“Okay Professor, the judges say we can accept this answer because it is logical and obviously well-informed, but they warn me your answer is now completely lost in the CACOPHONY!”
(Carlin walks over to a big tote board)
“Okay, Mrs. Jones has won the round and now will go to the lightning round. If she can quickly name three things that contribute to the weird theory of “Global Warming” she will win this week’s lottery!
(She clears her throat and frowns before looking up)
“Ummm….Rockville City Council, Montgomery County County Council, and chocolate Easter Eggs!”
(Long silence) (Carlin frowns)
“Well Mrs. Jones, the judges say none of those items have anything to do with the theory of Global Warming, so you are absolutely . . . CORRECT! You Win!
Join us next week for more lunacy, I’m George Carlin!”