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Somebody give me some credit!

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Published on: Wednesday, February 29, 2012

By Rob Maher

I am performing at the DC Improv this Thursday night.  PBS will be there recording comics for a show they are producing called, “The Truth about Money.”  We are supposed to only tell jokes that have to do with money.  I will only be telling jokes that have to do with not having money.  I hope that applies.  Like most comics, I am broke.  There really is no middle class with comedians.  There’s the one percent that are living extremely well and then there’s the Rob Maher’s of the world, living gig to gig.  This particular gig Thursday night doesn’t pay a dime but it could land me on Public Television.  Wait…I perform for free with the hopes that it will land me on Public Television?  This is not a sound business plan so of course, it sounds like it is right up my alley.

My biggest issue is credit card debt.  I have not handled my credit cards wisely.  I once took out a cash advance on the card just so I could make a payment on the card.  I’m not sure how the math works but I owed more after I sent in the payment.  I advise you to never do that.  My credit card debt wouldn’t bother me so much if I racked it up buying cool things.  If I had a killer big screen TV, a top of line computer, a couple iPads and some Caribbean cruise memories to fall back on it would make my debt much more tolerable.  But I don’t have any of that stuff.  I acquired my debt through eating out and buying people drinks.  I am still paying for those shots I bought at that bachelorette party in Baltimore.  I haven’t seen any of those girls since.  I am paying interest on rejection.  

What really bothers me is when I have to pay bills with my credit card.  A few years ago I got the most idiotic call from my credit card company, Citibank.  One day I used my credit card to pay my car insurance bill and my cell phone bill.  The next day Citibank calls me up and tells me they think there’s been some fraudulent charges on my card.  What?  You think someone stole my card and then paid my bills with it?  Are you high?  Who do think stole my card?  The bill fairy?  My Mom?  I guess if I am not buying beer, video games or pizza my account is red flagged.  In fairness to Citibank, beer, video games and pizza were 90 percent of my purchases - and shots for girls I would never see again.  

Everyone knows being broke is no fun but there are a lot of negative sayings attached to having money.  We’ve all heard them.  “Money will change you.”  Well good.  That’s the whole point.  I am a poor, sexless loser.  Change is exactly what I want.  I don’t want status quo.  And then there’s this one; “Money can’t buy you true happiness.”  Umm, neither can food stamps.  I’ve tried.  So far I am 0 for a lifetime.  Finally, “With money you never know who your true friends are.”  I know who my true friends are now and I don’t like them.  They are broke like me.  I want some fake, false, rich friends that are cool.

Don’t get me wrong, I do realize that money can lead to a whole new set of problems but I am OK with that because they’d be exactly that, new problems.  You’re always going to have problems and drama in life.  I am just sick and tired of the same old problems.  I want some new ones to stress and drink too much over.  Money might not make me happy but being miserable while driving a brand new Range

Rover sounds a lot nicer than being miserable while driving a 2003 Sentra.  Until then, please don’t hit my Sentra.  I am behind on my car insurance bill.  All State doesn’t take credit card payments.  

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